It all started with this conversation:

Thursday, November 16, 2006
10:08 PM me: Hey
How are you doing?
10:12 PM her: hi
horrible
10:13 PM me: Me too
10:15 PM her: someone died in your family?
10:16 PM me: Seems that way. [insert reason - sorry, can't talk about it now]
10:17 PM her: I’d take [that] over death
10 minutes later
10:27 PM her: sorry i have to go now, i took heavy meds for sleep
me: Night

Now, I guess you have to understand that her grandmother died on the 8th, over a week prior to the conversation. She didn’t bother to tell me this, though she could email me or text me or anything, I had to read about it on her blog on the 13th, nearly a week later. I had already offered my condolences several times at this point, on the 16th. So when she said “someone died in your family?” I was offended (so I went with the “seems that way…”). But, apparently, my “Me too” offended her.

Now tell me, how on this earth are the words “me, too” offensive? Well, apparently, because I’m her friend I’m supposed to be able to read her mind or something and I apparently should have said, “that’s understandable” instead of “me, too.” And, apparently, because I know her, I’m not allowed to have feelings of my own or things happening in my life two weeks after her grandmother dies.

So I let it drop. Four days later, I needed her to tell me what she wanted to do about something we do together. So I dropped her a quick email that just said, we need to do something about it, any ideas?

She responded literally two minutes later with, “Nope. I don’t feel like doing much with anything since my grandma was murdered.”

Nice. Oh, did I mention that she thinks her grandma died because a negligent doctor failed to diagnose something? I’m not entirely sure this is true as from what I understand, another doctor diagnosed the problem two days later but then after that, her grandma did what mine did and basically just gave up. If there is no will to live anymore, no doctor can do anything. But all that’s besides the point. She is constantly throwing around this word “murder,” as if to try and make everyone feel more sorry for her.

I was kind of stunned by that line, so I responded that okay, it was all dead – the thing we do together, then. Then I thought about it and sent another email stating that actually, she had to kill it, as I can’t, and then I said that this conversation shouldn’t let her think that I don’t care about her grandma, because I do, and I sent more condolences and told her to take care of herself.

She responded that she’ll do that thing “soon” (it will literally take 2 seconds, it does not take any effort whatsoever) and then she went off in a tirade. And things erupted.

We went back and forth with an email conversation in which she basically told me that by saying, “me, too” I was comparing an issue in my life with her grandmother’s death and that she just snapped. She told me that I didn’t follow some pamphlet at the funeral home or something and so I was acting wrong. She continued talking constantly about her grandma being murdered, and how they were really close, and that the “smallest things” are “setting” her off, etc. After her first email back to me with all of that above, I was ticked. I was ticked because I didn’t really compare something in my life with her grandma’s death. I was just saying that I felt horrible at the time, too. How is that saying that her feeling horrible is not important? I saw that as a misery loves company kind of thing. Well, let’s be miserable together, right?

And the more I tried to explain that that’s not how it happened – that my issue hadn’t even come up until she snapped at me and such – the bigger I dug my grave. And I guess I got kinda defensive. I know now that I should have just shut-up, but I can’t take any of it back. I tried to explain how I wasn’t really comparing situations until she “asked” and she pulled a “I wasn’t abrupt until you did compare [that thing] to her death but it’s not important now. I realize now that not everyone acts the same or deals with death in the same way…”

Her way of saying, I’m right, you’re wrong, deal with it. She does this all the time.

She continued to tell me what is and is not appropriate to say to someone when they lose someone to death. Which included something about not comparing your feelings to theirs. She said that when she felt horrible she expected me “to say something like ‘That’s understandable’ or something to that effect… When I asked you ‘Did someone you know die?’ (or something like that), it wasn’t abrupt, it was me trying to figure out why you didn’t say ‘I understand’ or whatever before going into the thing about [that thing]. I just couldn’t comprehend it at the time. My mind has shut down…”

She then went on and on again about “the murder” and even said: “I’m going to be bitter for the rest of my life about this.”

Oh, and Riiiiight. Because saying “someone died in your family?” always means, “I don’t understand why you would feel horrible right now.” Right. Okay. Sure.

But she totally gets it wrong. At the time she got rude with me, I had not even said anything about “that thing” – I had not compared anything except to say that we both felt horrible. So how could she possibly know what I was feeling horrible about as to say “it was me trying to figure out why you didn’t say “I understand” or whatever before going into the thing about…” I mean, that doesn’t even make sense. For all she knew, I could have been feeling horrible because she felt horrible and we were friends. But she just jumped all over me right from the start, completely defensive.

Now, because those first two lines really struck a cord with me, I lashed out – too much, I’m sure, as this seems to be the breaking point – and pulled the same thing on her that she had on me. However, I waited two days – all the other emails had been that same night – and when I was still hurt by all of that, I went ahead with it.

I basically said, “Actually, I was quite offended when you said, ‘someone died in your family?’ If you were confused about what I was saying, all you had to do was say you were confused and ask what I meant. At the point when you said that, [that thing] hadn’t even come up….” And then, “but you’re right, no point in arguing about it.”

A bit later, I felt bad about what I had said, even though I still feel that I am right, as far as to where this started from anyway. I have always said that I am sorry about her grandma and tried to be there for her, which is why I guess this hurts more. It’s like none of that matters. All because I said, “me, too.” So anything else I’ve said apparently doesn’t matter. It all comes down to that.

So I gathered together a candle that I knew she wanted and sent it in the mail with a letter. After three attempts at a letter, I scratched it all and just I apologized over and over for everything and offered more condolences. But of course, it would take three days (because of the Thanksgiving holiday) for that candle and letter to get to her.

In the meantime, she responded “Well I was offended that you just went into something else after I said I felt horrible… have someone in your family murdered and see how it feels… I thought we were good friends but it seems you don’t understand how I feel at all… I guess we just shouldnt talk because this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life and I need friends who understand that and who sympathize with me and can listen to me and who can understand that I’m upset and not take it personally. You haven’t even said “you know what..you’re right…I should have said ‘I understand’..I’m sorry” or anything of the sort… That’s not the way to help a friend who is going through something so traumatic. I can’t handle this now so I am just going to close this.” All complete bullshit. Completely. This is completely not what the original conversation was. And it shows how little she knows about my friends and family. I also didn’t say, “you know what… you’re right” like she expects because I never felt that I was wrong in saying, “me, too”!!

And then she went to her blog and posted this:

Now here this
Anyone who can not understand how I feel about my grandma being murdered can just leave me alone right now. Those who can not handle me being upset or angry or bitter don’t need to talk to me. Those who cannot just let things revolve around me for this moment in time need not be my friend. I need people in my life who can be there for me and who can TRY to understand what I am going through and who can put their stuff aside for a minute or two and let me vent. I am ALWAYS there for everyone when they need me and I let the world revolve around them when they need it, it’s only considerate to do the same for me.

Bull, absolute bull. I never said I didn’t care about her grandma, in fact, I’ve tried my best to be supportive. It’s just this one thing that’s gotten in the way. And I know I should have just shut-up from the start. I know she’s always been over-emotional and I should have known she would take everything the wrong way. But I guess I just wanted to show that I was not originally being the insensitive jerk she was making me out to be. And besides that, her last lines about her “ALWAYS” being there is also bullshit. Oh yeah, anytime something happens in my life, she’s there to say “yeah” or “sorry” or “:\” or “:(” and all that crap, but anytime I have pain, her pain is greater, anytime I have an emotional hurt, hers is greater. She always automatically does this one-up thing on whatever is going on in my life. Which, I guess, is why the whole first conversation set things in motion, I’m sick of it. Sick of being treated like second-rate.

Steve told me just to forget her. Who cares? He says. You don’t need friends like that.

And, he’s right. But I couldn’t let it sit like that. I sent her an email that just apologized over and over. I ate all of my pride – it didn’t taste good – and I just apologized. And because she’d already made indication that we probably shouldn’t be friends anymore, I said, in a nutshell, that it was all in her court that I’d be here when she was ready.

To date, I’ve had no response. It’s been two weeks as I sent that the night before Thanksgiving. I know she’s received the candle as I had delivery confirmation on it yet she’s not said a thing. She has not even given me the courtesy of saying something like, “I got the candle, thanks, but I’m afraid we just can’t be friends anymore.” Nor has she sent the candle back. Even that would be better than silence.

So I guess this is it. Time to phase her out of my life I guess. This is not the first time someone’s gotten mad at me and decided they wanted me out of my life, but I tell you what – it is the first time this has happened to me as a freaking adult! This crap is not supposed to happen anymore! This is supposed to be teenager crap. Maybe this is part of the reason I got so sick, I tend to take things way too personal. And, yes, I know this post has been quite long and incoherent but in my defense, I started it before I got sick and have since tried to edit and shorten it… unsuccessfully it seems.

The really sad thing? She wasn’t just an online friend. We’ve done “real” things together. We’ve had real fun. Elijah adores her and her husband. He was really upset when we mailed the candle because he thought we were going to go see them.

But they live far enough away that if an online friendship ends, everything ends.

Okay, here’s the question. Should I:

A: Say, okay, it’s over, and just remove her from my contacts and linkage and etc.?
B: Say nothing and just leave things as they are?
C: Send them one of our Christmas cards along with another -very- short note of apology as a final attempt to correct what I screwed up?

But then again, should I feel this bad? Or should I feel worse? Am I really that big of a jerk?

*sigh*

I got these two emails from the same person today. It appears that one was sent before they finished writing and then started again with the second. Anyway, the online translator is having a time with this* and I still don’t quite understand it. Can anyone lend a hand? It’s either Portuguese or Spanish, I guess… ???

Me gustaria encontrar la conexion doria con Suramenrica, vivo en Colombia

Me gustaria encontrar la conexion del apellido Doria en suramerica, vivo en Colombia, en este pais estan radicados los apellidos Doria en Popayan (Cauca) y el el Departamento de Sucre Since

This happens to me quite a bit when chatting with my non-English speaking cousins on MSN. I end up translating back and forth and they tend to write not using the appropriate accent marks and what have you. Thankfully I leaned rather quickly that though “bebe” means “it drinks,” she meant “bebé” – baby! Boy, was I confused…

Thanks everyone!