He made me decide right then and there when to go in the hospital, though, which contradicted what he told me on Friday when he said we could take it day by day and decide a day of, if we wanted to. He was all, well you need to decide, and when I said Steve hadn’t made up his mind either, he was like, well you need to do it, then. So then he tells me, “how about this, you come in one week or two, which is it?” Something in me said “two!!!!!” so I said two.

So now I go in on the 23rd. I’ll have to go to one hospital for an ultrasound and paperwork ’cause apparently that’s where the doctor is scheduled to be that day. Then I go to the one I’ll be in for, possibly, the next 8 weeks.

They’ll give me one steroid injection then and then another 24 hours later. And they monitor baby 24/7. And we wait.

A thing I got about the hospital today says this:

“Occasionally, it’s necessary for a mom with a high-risk pregnancy or symptoms to need extra care. This may require a hospital stay on bed rest or limiting activities to help the baby grow safely. If this is necessary during your pregnancy, our exclusive While You Are Waiting program provides the support you need while away from home. Our committed nurses and professionals are focused on helping you find positive ways to handle the extra time on your hands, and lessen the stress and worry, whie taking special care of you and your baby. We’ve created a unique healing environment to support you in every way possible.

– Private rooms and flexible room service meals help you feel at home.
– Education classes are provided at your bedside, like childbirth preparation and newborn care.
– Keep your hands busy with creative activities: learn to knit, enjoy scrapbooking, or try painting and journaling.
– Stay connected to family and friends on our laptops with WIFI.
– Caring Bridge – a private, personalized web site makes it easy to stay in touch.
– Special support groups are available for dads and siblings.
– Bedside salon and massage services when you need a little pampering!”

SO I guess that’s me!
My first question is: when will someone teach me to knit? :) I’ve been wanting to learn really.

And though they say keep connected with their laptops, I’m hoping I’ll be able to connect mine to the wi-fi. And if that’s the case, I’ll have even more to keep me entertained. I’ll probably even get Netflix or something for watching stuff on my PC. Though Steve insists they must have a DVD “rental” place in there since we found a DVD in a drawer last time, but who knows. Just depends on how things go. There’s also that Amazon Unbox which is not bad.

I’ve got a book to read that my friend gave me last week. Kinda been saving it for my hospital time. But if I get into it it won’t take me long to finish it anyway. I also am putting some photos on my little scrapbooking drive, so maybe I can do that. And I ordered two cross stitch kits last night, so yes, plenty of things to keep me occupied.

As you can guess I’m trying to actually make this some what fun for me. Might make it easier. Rather than dreading the 23rd, I’m trying to look forward to it. Then, if nothing else, the next two weeks won’t be filled with my dreads of what is coming.

Oh the doctor did say again that there’s a chance that between now and when I go in the hospital that I could go in labor and that we’d probably lose the baby. BUT then he said it was a VERY small chance and most likely won’t happen. I guess they assume that because I didn’t go into labor within that first week after my water breaking that I probably won’t for some time now, or maybe never on my own, who knows?

However, I may have caught Elijah’s stomach bug because all yesterday and now so far today, any time I’ve been up moving around, I’ve felt really queasy. Only thrown up twice though, and then pretty much before I ate anything. But it’s been a feeling that’s lasted all day. And, like Elijah was late Thursday and all Friday, I don’t have any fever. But then again, I’m supposed to just be lying around anyway, so, whatever.

My hospital visit could start as early as this coming Saturday and could go for as long as 10 weeks, or until around May 15th, as now they’ve said they will not let me go past 34 weeks. That’s a long time.

Things would just be so much easier if I knew exactly which date I would go into labor, or they’d need to take the baby, etc., then I’d just go to the hospital the day before. :) But alas, life is not like that!

Friday they did an ultrasound at the specialists’ office (well, what turned out to be that hospital’s perinatal center) which showed the same results: no fluid or next to none surrounding the baby but she had some in her bladder.

They want us to decide when I should go in the hospital. I’m kinda at the point where I’ve resigned myself to say at 24 weeks (so in about a week and a half from now) but Steve still hasn’t made up his mind. It’s one of those things that, eh… Choice A seems like a no brainer and then Choice B also seems like a no brainer, so you’re liable to go back and forth between the two choices. Or three choices, or whatever. Either way, though, no matter what you decide, it almost feels like you’re trying to play God. But a decision has to be made. I just kinda want someone else to tell me what to do.

Other than that. Nothing.

I’m still doing the bed rest thing. Elijah has a fever now. He acts completely fine most of the time, but he has this fever. I guess if it’s not broken tomorrow, we’re going to arrange for him to go to the doctor. We’re taking extra precautions so that I don’t get whatever it is. That is the absolute last thing I need.

I was really upset Friday, though, after talking to the doctor about it all. It bothered me all day, everything from the steroid shots to c-sections to possible early birth complications. I’m better now but who’s to say I won’t get so nervous again? Especially when the time comes and especially if I have to go for that c-section and I’m all alone?

In other news, the dog won’t leave me alone and he’s driving me insane…

So, we’re home now. I’ve got myself on the couch, laptop in my lap, here we go…

In re-cap, yesterday morning my water broke. Today I am 21 weeks into the pregnancy, so you can see that the water breaking at this stage is not only a surprise but is not a good thing. We went to my doctor and saw the nurse practitioner. We had an ultrasound and were sent home to be on bed rest with a follow up appointment on Tuesday. I was not having any contractions.

Everyone started to get the news and friends started calling their doctor and nurse friends and eventually it was decided that I needed to go into the hospital. Steve took me to St. John’s early yesterday evening. I think at first that the nurses were a little apprehensive about us and the practitioner assigned to me kept acting like she didn’t believe me that my water had broken but that maybe it was this, or that, or this. She left the room, I cried, and when she returned, she was nicer, haha, then an exam proved me right. I also had another exam by someone else (apparently she was in charge of residents which means Val = tests subject) and had several ultrasounds. They transferred me to the antepartum department where I stayed the night. This morning we had another, more in depth ultrasound and had a consultation with a specialist in high risk pregnancies.

Basically, what it all boils down to is a very precarious situation. No one knows what is going to happen (of course) but there are several scenarios. He said that these next two weeks are the most critical. I am not allowed to do anything except get up to go to the bathroom and have a quick shower.

The first scenario is that I could go into labor in the next week sometime. He said that most likely if I don’t go into labor within a week, I won’t for several weeks. Pretty much, if I go into labor before week 24, the chances of the baby surviving are next to zero. I have been assured, though, that if, say, I go into labor and the baby is born at 23 weeks that they will at least try to save the baby. My fear was that they would say, “oh, she’s not even to 24 weeks yet, it’s a lost cause,” and not even try. Also, if labor does start, they cannot stop it. It would be different if the water wasn’t broken.

Secondly, we have a decision that if I make it to 24 weeks as to when I should be admitted to the hospital. I can go in at say, 24, 26, or 28 weeks. I would then be on monitors all the time where they would watch for signs that the baby needed to come now now. I would stay in there as late as 32 weeks. A baby born at 24-25 weeks, he said, has about a 50% chance of living. At 26-27 weeks, it’s better. At 28, even better. At 32 weeks, which is ideal and probably the maximum I could stretch this out, he said the chances of the baby dying are minimal. Not to mention, there’s the thing about developmental difficulties. There would be any number of life long problems that can stem from a baby being born too early.

Thirdly, I could witness a miracle and make it to 32 weeks and/or a different miracle in that she comes early but is without long term problems.

Then, of course, in there is also the possibility of infection. An infection would be very bad because, from what I understand, it would have already affected the baby before we know it’s there, before it affects me. If, I’m told, one day I wake up with a high temperature and tenderness in the abdomen, or what not, and if nothing is done, both the baby and I would probably die. I’m supposed to take my temperature every day and watch for that and other signs and if I show any, I’m immediately supposed to get to the hospital. They cannot give me antibiotics to even try to ward anything off simply because they wouldn’t know what they’d be treating and that by just giving random antibiotics can cause something else to pop up, etc.

Now, one thing that the two doctors presented to us as an “option” is basically an abortion. The specialist told us about a patient with the same situation last month who said that she had 2 children at home, is a single mom, and so she didn’t have time to spend 2 months in the hospital so she went to an abortion clinic.
That is NOT AN OPTION for us. I am almost offended that the doctors would even suggest such a thing but I know they don’t know me and part of their job is to lay out all the options and possibilities.

Baby is hanging on quite well right now. Every check of the heartbeat has been good and the last ultrasound showed that while there’s not a lot of fluid by any means, the baby had some in her stomach and bladder which is a good thing. I guess it means that there’s at least enough of it to circulate and do what it’s supposed to. The concerns about low fluid are, from what I know, twofold. One is that the lungs do not mature as they are supposed to (which would require steroid injections to me while in the hospital at that point as well) and also, the cord can come squashed against the baby and eventually could lead to the baby not getting nutrition and the heart stalling. Baby is also still active and moving quite a bit.

So, here we are, in a precarious situation, one I never dreamed could happen or even knew anything about. I think that I have learned a lot in the last day and a half. I also wouldn’t be surprised if this was related to all the blood I had in January (I have not seen any blood this time which is also apparently a very good thing). They never did know what caused the blood and this time they don’t know why my water broke so early.

But we are faced with those very real scenarios that could arise and we are not only faced with the possibility of losing the baby but with having a child with serious developmental difficulties both physical and/or mental. I don’t know what is in store for us but I do know that the end result will be God’s Will and that whatever it is, we will manage. But I also know that if God so desires, He can do the impossible and “plug up the hole” and have my body regenerate that needed fluid. The doctors say it’s impossible but I know it can happen. Just like I know that this may not end like I desire it to. I have my moments where I just cry because it’s like I have to have that release or I’ll explode and other times, I’m completely at peace and relaxed. I know it’s not going to be easy being confined to the couch for weeks upon weeks but I’ll do what I have to. Things will work out ok, heck, friends are already bringing food so we have something to eat. Steve is being wonderful, though I know it’s tough on him, too. And we have help with Elijah thanks to family and awesome friends.

Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts, and other help. I got all your messages and I am so grateful that you all are taking the time to not only think of and pray for me but to stop and send me a message. It really means a lot.

Well this morning I lost most of my amniotic fluid. That is NOT a good thing by any means.
There is apparently supposed to be at least 10 cm of fluid surrounding the baby. They did an ultrasound and I have 3 cm. Baby’s heartbeat was good.

So, she says, here are the options/possibilities:

1. Induce labor
A nice way, I think, of saying “abortion.” I’m at 20 weeks, 21 tomorrow (Friday). From my quick web search, I find that the youngest baby to survive was just under 23 weeks and that the mother lied to the emergency personnel, knowing that the standard is to not “bother” with a baby born under 23 weeks.

2. It could repair itself.
Of course, this is the miracle scenario, and the one I’m hoping for. It’s possible for it to stop and regenerate fluid.

3. I could make it to 24 weeks
Then they’d put me in the hospital and give me injections of steroids to try and mature the baby’s lungs. Then we end up with a very premature baby in a precarious situation.

4. I could go into labor and/or could lose the baby
It could continue to just leak

So I’m on indefinite bed rest for at least the next 3 weeks. I’m only allowed to get up to go to the bathroom. I’m living on the couch. Steve is out looking to buy us a new couch. As you know, this one is on its’ 9th life. If I go into labor or get a fever, I’m supposed to head right to the hospital. Otherwise, there’s nothing else to do until Tuesday when I am supposed to go in for another check-up and ultrasound.

Please pray for me… and Kayleigh, if you will.

Who are we that You would be mindful of us
What do You see that’s worth looking our way
We are free in ways that we never should be
Sweet release from the grip of these chains
Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing.

Such a tiny offering compared to Calvary nevertheless we lay it at Your feet.

– God With Us, MercyMe (who else? Not to mention, this has been MY SONG since that bad day in June.)

This morning though, after getting out of the shower I know I for sure felt the baby moving and I saw my stomach jumping around. So that’s very reassuring, too! I’ve felt it before today but wasn’t sure if that’s what it was, it’s been so long since I was pregnant with Elijah that I forgot what it felt like, I guess. And today since then, I’ve felt it, again.

In other news, a bird got into the house tonight. A friend brought some food over and as she was coming in, the bird who lives on top of our porch light took that opportunity to come on in, too. So we’re all squealing and such and Elijah is freaking out and the dog is like “ooooh lemme at em!” The bird ended up upstairs and my friend had to leave but Sarah was in pursuit and finally caught him with the net in the dark in my closet. Cute little red finch, very pretty bird. I carried him outside under the net, perched on Steve’s sweatshirt, and he eventually flew over to the garage. I hated returning him to the sub zero temperatures out there but I have nowhere to put him in here!!

And now we three sit here finishing up Horton Hears a Who and, yah, man, what’s the kangaroo’s problem? lol